Heroes, villains, and flunkies alike all gasped in shock at the mutiny occuring at the foot of the Thousand Pound Statue.  Cyrus Bitter, mastermind of the plot to regain all of the secrets written in the sealed cookbook of Gordon Bleu, had been rendered unconscious with one hearty slam of steel to the back of his head.  

“This guy has some terrible luck with underlings,” Rich gulped weakly as he watched Cyrus’s assailant, the mutinous Gretchel Grey, cackling maliciously, hands at her hips as she took the moment to soak in her ill-gotten victory.  

“So one of them turns out to be good, then one is eviler, and the other is just nuts?” Beef shook his head and sighed.  “This guy really should have vetted his minions more!” Gretchel laughed at the confused crowd standing at her feet, the motionless body of Cyrus Bitter sprawled across her feet, defeated, face down in a position very unbecoming for someone so rich and ruthless.  

“It was a real drag working for you, Bitter Boy!” She chuckled, staring down at her former employer.  “You overworked us, underpaid us, and had us feed a bunch of dumb bimbos all for your stupid plans of world domination!  But you wouldn’t know what to do if you where in charge!  You’d probably run this whole world into the ground!” She began to pace back and forth dramatically, sniveling delightedly as she played out her long awaited moment of sweet victory.  “You’re old news!  You may be immortal, but you’re frail and useless!  You haven’t been relevant in decades, unlike me!  I’ve got my face on food products everywhere!  I’ve got three television programs, two talk shows, and seven cook books! I think the world needs a wonderful, delicious leader such as me taking the reigns!”

“Ahem!” Mimi called out from the crowd, not at all pleased with Gretchel’s presumptuousness.  “Taking over the world by building a media empire is my job, miss!” She snarled, casting aside the Megachef attempting to restrain her with a painful wallop.  “So step down and shut up!”

“Please, sister!  You’re a nobody!” Chortled Gretchel.  “You’ve got all the grace and beauty of an oversized gooseberry, and that preposterous paunch of yours would be too big to fit in any camera!  You’d be better off trying to get on the talk show route, or maybe getting a job as a circus fat lady!”

“What?  You idiot, what did you say?” Mimi let out a deafening roar, thrashing like a beast unchained as she hit her poor designated Megachef with another flabby slam, flooring him in one blow as she glowered threateningly at Gretchel.  “O’Chunks, you dummy!  Wake up now and crush Gretchel for me!  Show no remorse!” She yelled at the still fainted body of her fellow Bleck comrade.

“These blobs are all so noisy, I’ll have to make them disappear once I find the appropriate recipe in this wonderful little tome!” She twirled daintily, picking up the Legendary Cookbook and flipping it open, analyzing Gordon’s sketchy scrawls as she tried to find the perfect meal for the situation.  “I’ll make you and your plumbers into even more statues to match this ugly one!” She giggled.  “I’ll have you all set up in the garden of my fabulous billion coin mansion as a reminder of the losers who tried to stand up to Queen Gretchel Grey!”

“Hey Gretchel!  What about me?  What about my part of the deal!” Crawmad skittered forward, sliding through the crowd as he stepped up to defy Gretchel.  “You said I’d get to just look at one recipe!  Just one!  I wanted to see if this book had the Molten Magmeal!  The spiciest, burn your tongue-iest, most incredible meal ever to exist!  You said you'd let me look at it for just a second!”

“Wait?  So Crawmad was on her side too?”  Peach gasped.

“Crawmad LeSpice?”  Miss Mowz asked, raising her eyes open.   “You mean that lunatic who replaces the water in his flambe recipes so they'll burn better?”

“I say lots of things, deary!” She scowled as the crustacean climbed the steps to the base of the statue, sidling away from him clutching the book close to her side as Crawmad reached out for her.  “Now back off or you’ll end up a statue too!  Maybe I’ll use you as the base for my birdbath!”

“But you promised!  You can’t renege on me like that, missy!” Crawmad hastened his approach to Gretchel, chopping his claws menacingly as he focused on that book with burning intent!

“Not if I have anything to say about it!”Gretchel said, sidling against the round contour of the statue as she tried to spirit herself away.  “I’ve already found the perfect food for me!  The Empress’s Eclair!” She held up the book as it began to shine, it’s pages fluttering into motion as a ball of light began glowing and growing suspended above the open tome.

“That just sounds wimpy!’ Crawmad groaned, pouncing forward to pin Gretchel in between his claws, the TV-persona now pinned against the wall from all sides, holding the book as high as she could, presumably far too high for Crawmad to reach while the Empress Eclair continued to form.  “Now let me see that book and have some real fun!” He waved his claws in the air, groping for the book. “Give it to me now!” Sick of playing fair, Crawmad withdrew one of his high power pincers from the statue and dug it into Gretchel’s side, grabbing just enough skin to startle Gretchel.

“Yeowtch!”  Gretchel's fingers relinquished the book as she leaped a foot high in the air, shrieking loud enough to wake Bowser, Mario, and O'Chunks, all three quite displeased with their current bondage.

“Let go of me now you meat head!”  Bowser yelled, biting into the arms of his captor.

“Git yer grubby hands offa meh before I turn ya into haggis!”  O'chunks shouted before unleashing an enormous pixelated blast of methane so horrifically rank it turned the Megachef's skin pale and rot away it's nose hair.  The Megachef at his side witnessed this flatulent spectacle and began to turn pale pea soup green, letting loose his grip long enough for Mario to slip out of arms and knock him out with a mighty stomp to the head.

“Huh?  What?”  Luigi yawned and rolled over, lazily opening his eyes.  “Is something going here?  It sure just got noisy!” Mario, Bowser, and O'Chunks, now liberated, all ran towards Crawmad and the cookbook, stopping just before the statue's pedestal, hoping they could reason with the lunatic lobster before having to start another fight.

“Crawmad!” Peach cried out.

“Whatcha want?”  Crawmad yelled back, skittering as tight against the statue as he could, holding the book up greedily as he climbed up the belly of the statue, breathing heavily.  “You're not trying to ruin my big moment!”  He yelled.

“We need you to give up that book!”  Peach yelled out as Mario, Bowser, and O'Chunks encircled Crawmad, hoping to leave him with nowhere to go but up the statue.

“Come on, hand it over before we have to crack you open and serve you with butter!”  Bowser snarled, motioning for Crawmad to pass over the book.

“Now why should I?”  Crawmad yelled, now standing firmly on the chest of Gorgina's statue, gnashing his free claw at his pursuers while flipping the book open.  “I'm just about to summon the Lavalava Lunch from this book!  The hottest meal ever to exist, cooked by a trio of Fry Guys in the molten core of Mount Lavalava!  It's so steamy hot it could scorch a Blarg's tongue and make a Podoboo sweat!  I've been striving to see a food like this all my live long life!  And now here it is!”  The book's pages stopped as the cook book began to glow crimson, so hot to the touch that Crawmad threw it to the floor before his claws could burst into flames.  “Oweee, this one is glowing hot!”  He shouted proudly as a crispy brown lump appeared over the book on a bright red platter, lined with bright orange peppers and glistening with a coating of infernal hot sauce, forming over the unfinished Empress's Eclair Gretchel was preparing.

“It looks like it'd crumble to ash if I touched it,”  Vivian observed, trying to get the best view of Crawmad's masterpiece as she could.

“I wouldn't want to eat something that spicy!”  Flurrie groaned, her stomach turning at the sight of one of the few things she wouldn't eat.  

“I'll agree, it's just a bit over the top.  What's the point of making a food so spicy you can hardly eat it without having to go to a burn ward afterward?”

“Don't you say anything bad about it!”  Crawmad barked, having now climbed to the top of Gorgina's head as Mario tried to coax him down.  “You'll hurt it's feelings!”  The Lavalava Lunch, with no pretenses, ignited, a huge flame billowing from it's top, the fearsome flambe looking absolutely inedible to all of the girls.

“What the heck?”  Mimi stuck out her tongue and hacked, her face a slightly greener hue than normal.  “Can anyone even eat that without their stomach exploding or something?”  The Lavalava Lunch, still hovering just above the Legendary Cookbook, seemed to be taking offense to all the unfavorable comments directed at it.

“Don't listen to them!”  Crawmad whimpered as he tried to comfort the slighted food, which seemed to have a mind of it's own.  Perhaps due to all of the overwhelming culinary secrets carried in the book any recipe made from the book, not to mention the book itself, had a bizarrely alive property to it that normal food lacked.  What made the Lavalava Lunch more than curious was its great desire to be eaten and enjoyed, despite the fact that it would take an iron stomach lined with asbestos to digest.  It needed a mouth to eat it, willing or not.  It also had to contend with the fact that the Empress's Eclair was still waiting to be eaten by it's intended diner, Gretchel.

“Not to try and, err, deflect or anything,”  Nastasia adjusted her glasses, arm fat rocking back and forth as she eyed Crawmad.  “But shouldn't the person who made the meal have the first taste, you know?  That only seems like good cooking etiquette to me.”

“What?  Me eat it?”  Crawmad was perplected, now hanging on to the top of the statue's head as the hero squad stood at the base, waiting for him to come down.  “I mean, I would if I could!  Trust me!  But my doctor says I can't eat no more spicy foods on the account of my ulcers!  I just cook spicy foods for the joy of creation!  I'm an artiste, comprende?”  The Lavalava Lunch, slighted by its own cook, now began to buzz and vibrate rapidly in the air, as angry as a meal could be.  It was at the point where it wanted someone to eat it whether they liked it or not.  As a body at the edge of the statue began to stir to life, the Lavalava Lunch found the perfect unsuspecting target.

“Oh, my head!  And my poor aching side!  Someone is going to get an angry letter from my lawyer!”  Gretchel cursed as she came to, her side throbbing from Crawmad's vice grip pinch.  She fumed, her face burning red as she rose to her feet, scaling the statue dead set on getting the cookbook back from Crawmad.  “You idiot!”

“Someone stop this woman!  She's madder than a chain chomp in a china shop!”  Crawmad jumped to the very top of the Thousand Statue, left with nowhere to flee from the incensed celebrity.  Mario jumped with all his might, leaping as high up the statue as possible, hoping to grab the book amidst all the chaos while stopping Gretchel.  The Lavalava Lunch was one step ahead, however, and opportunistically flew into Gretchel's mouth, the taste so powerful it knocked her back and sent her rolling down the statue.  

“Catch that ladeh!”  O'Chunks yelled, running to the base of the statue with arms outstretched.

“Really?  As awful as she acts she's still a lady?”  Bowser scoffed.  “She makes me seem like an honest Koopa!”  O'Chunks positioned himself accurately and Gretchel fell gently into his arms.  

“Don't yeh worry!  O'Chunks saved the day!”  O'Chunks held her for a moment, waiting for a response, before tossing her to the ground like a hot potato, yowling in pain as he began to wave his arms around frantically. “Mother of Nessie, she's burnin me chunks!  Me poor chunks!”  O'Chunks arms lit into flames as he started to run around frantically in a circle, blowing at his arms trying to extinguish the blaze before making a beeline for a close-by fountain and dunking his toasted arms into the fountain.

“What in the world just happened?”  Luigi asked, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  Everyone focused on Gretchel, who lay on the ground, her face glowing red, unmoving.

“I never expected something like that to happen.”  Peach blinked  a few times, pinching a roll to try and wake herself from what may be a bizarre dream.  “Can someone splash some cold water on me and wake me up?”

“I don't think this is Super Mario Brothers 2,”  Bowser commented as he stepped back from Gretchel, whose body seemed to be emitting incredible heat.  Without pretense Gretchel jumped to her feet, letting out a loud screech as a stream of fire burst out from her mouth, her skin still bright crimson as clouds of steam came out from her ears.

“What in the Underwhere is going on?”  Mimi shouted as Gretchel began to bulge out, bulging out  in all dimensions much as the seven captives had before, yet not stopping at one thousand pounds like they had.  

“Quick!  Don't just stand there!”  A voice from the side of the statue called out.  “All of you, get those girls out of the way!  It looks like things are about to fire up in here!”  The already large crowd of characters was joined by Mousatooie, rushing in after having heard the commotion coming from the other side of town.  

“You bet your Blarnies we gotta help them!”  O'chunks yelled, running up and grabbing a handle to Nastasia's cart and pushing her off the statue so quickly she nearly tumbled off her cart to the ground.  “She's too hot for these women to handle!”

“O'Chunks, be careful!”  She yelled, her voice shaking as she was rolled down the statue steps.  “This isn't good at all for my digestion, okay?”  

“Neither would being burnt to a crisp!”  Bowser added, pushing Flurrie's cart away as the group looked at Gretchel, who transformed in a terrible manner.  She had burnt through her outfit, revealing her body as an enormous mass of oozing red lava, her hair a violent blaze and her eyes growing red like brimstone, oozing violently as she grew larger and larger.

“She doesn't look like she's going to stop growing!” Mousatooie yelled, rallying everyone into action.  Even the Megachefs and Crawmad, left without guidance from Cyrus, stampeded forward to assist in the rescue.  

“Of course I'm not going to stop growing!”  Gretchel roared, her voice deep and raspy, a side effect of her monstrous new form and incredible weight.  She was now 2000 pounds and still growing.  “If I can't be the star of the world, I'll just keep on growing until I cover it all up!  Everyone will be burned under the heat of Lavana, hottest chef in all existance!  And the first thing I'm going to do is toast Cyrus and burn this sad excuse for a city under my roasting rolls of fat!”  

“Not if we have anything to say about it!”  Bu Fei began pushing himself to his feet, despite having not fully recovered, and stood firm in the face of incredible heat.  He dashed forward, much to Lavana's surprise, his eyes set on saving Cyrus before he could be engulfed.  

“Why are you resisting?  You can't handle my heat, so get out of the kitchen!”  Lavana opened her mouth and spat out a molten volley of overcooked food, Bu Fei dodging her assault as he rushed closer to the statue.  His chef coat slightly singed, he scooped up Cyrus's body in his arms and jumped onto the statue, skipping off it's side and rocketing out of range of Lavana's assault.  “You're trying to escape?”  She yelled, her heavy breasts shaking as she growled deeply.  “How foolish!  I'm going to keep on growing, and the bigger I get the mightier I get!  Soon my Inferno Fritters will be like meteors!”  

“So she gets stronger the fatter she gets?”  Peach asked, her bulk now resting safely in the garden where she would be out of range of Lavana's wrath, at least until she had grown large enough.  “Why doesn't that happen with us?  The fatter I get the harder it is for me to moved!  The only thing any stronger is my appetite!”

“You get used to the difficulty moving,”  Miss Mowz replied, producing a creamy cheesecake from within her rolls and nibbling into it.  “Though the hunger can be quite tough to deal with!”

“We're facing the final boss and you're snacking?”  Peach chastised, her own stomach letting out a silencing roar causing her to blush shamefully.  “Could you at least share some with the rest of us?”  Peach asked, reaching out for Miss Mowz.  

“Ladies, I need you all to do me a short favor,”  A dark blur stopped in front of the crowd of immobile women, Bu Fei carrying upon him Cyrus's body and laying it down at their unusable feet.  “Could you watch this man for me?  I want to make sure he doesn't try anything suspcious while I try to fight Lavana.”

“He looked pretty badly beaten to me,”  Bow scanned past her cheeks at Cyrus who laid peacefully on the ground, breathing lightly yet still immobilized from shock.

“He's a sneaky one, though!” Mimi said, digging her hands into her rolls and grinning schemingly.  “But don't worry!”  She heaved her belly apron off the ground as much as her weighty arms could.  “If he tries to pull anything I'll slam him under the Mimi Mattress!”  

“Well then, I think I can trust that much from you.  For now I need to help your friends in combat against this fiend.”  Bu Fei watched as the cowardly Megachefs, lead by Crawmad, fled into the confines of the Bitter Manor.  “It looks like our ranks have decreased!”  He dashed away, ladle at the ready.

“It looks like we're stuck babysitting sleeping ugly while the boys get in all the action,”  Miss Mowz sighed, shaking her head.  

“Watch your mouth you rotund rat...”  Cyrus stirred weakly, opening his eyes as he gazed upwards.  He was conscious yet again, though still not strong enough to move.

“Look who's awake!”  Mimi snarled.  “We've got a lot to talk to you about!”

“I have nothing to say,”  Cyrus growled, lying flat on the floor unable to stand up.  “I just want to know why that silly Sammer Chef saved me.  I would've rather been burned to dust than be helped by that traitor!  What made him do that?”

“Cyrus, didn't Gorgina try to tell you?  People are better than you give them credit for!”

“That voice?”  Cyrus's eyes darted upwards.  “Has my brain been knocked out of place?”

“It has to be,”  Mimi retorted.  “What voice are you talking about?”  Cyrus ignored Mimi, instead fixated on the ghostly presence bent over and staring at his face.

“It looks like my spirit was brought back here because of that book, and you've made a big mess Cyrus.”  The misty presence of Gordon Bleu was frowning disapprovingly at Cyrus.  “I told you why I never used any of the recipes in it.  See how dangerous they are?”

“I don't care.  I still need that book. I want my sense of taste back.”

“But you don't even use it!  And you still haven't realized the reason your senses are so dull!  You've learned nothing in so long!”  Gordon Bleu groaned at how completely hopeless Cyrus acted.  Centuries failed to change him for the better.  “Shouldn't you deal with that giant fire monster first?”  

Gordon was correct that Lavana was becoming an enormous priority.  She was now a gigantic size, a multiton menace ready to steamroll her opponents.

“So Mario,”  Luigi whimpered, sweating from fear and the heat radiating from Lavana.  “How are we supposed to deal with a monster so hot we can't even touch her?”  Mario was in deep thought, looking around for any solution he could to this burning question, before pointing to the fountain O'Chunks had tried to soak his hands in earlier, one of many decorating the fanciful Yummopolis town square.

“Some water, eh?”  Bowser nodded his head.  “We might need a bit more if we want to extinguish her, though!”

“We might not be able to wash her all up,”  Mousatooie began, “but if we can even cool down a spot on her I'm sure Mario could deliver a devastating stomp that might at least leave her reeling!”

“Yeh heard the squeaky felleh!”  O'Chunks grabbed Bowser's claw and began to pull him along.  “We're strong!  We can pick it up and toss it right at her!”  

“I'm coming, I'm coming! Sheesh!”  Bowser stumbled to keep up with the overeager O'Chunks.

“Oh?  So you've got a little scheme?”  Lavana laughed, slowly inching forward as she began to produce molten masses of magma in her heavy hands.  “Then we'll play a little game!  How about I cook up some dodge ball!”  

“But I never liked dodgeball!”  Luigi moaned, his knees knocking, sweating from fear and the heat of Lavana.  “No one ever picked me until last!”

“Well, Luigi, it looks like you're already on our team then.”  Mousatooie shouted, grabbing the plumber by the leg of his overalls as Lavana prepared two giant lava orbs.  “Because this isn't just any game!”  Lavana flung the two clumps of magma at Mario's group, scattering the heroes as they dodged the splashing flames.

“Bro!”  Luigi yelled, pulled away from the shock waves by Mario.  “She's just too much!  Is there anything we can do to stop her?”  Mario's face showed disappointment, shaking his head as Bu Fei touched down at his side.  

“Until she's cooled off we must remain defensive.  Once she has cooled down we can serve her a quick defeat!”  

“That won't happen!”  Lavana lobbed another pair of lava bombs at the heroes, who had more difficulty dodging this attack.  Lavana was still growing, her belly now hanging down the steps to the statue.  “The more I grow, the more powerful I become!  Soon I'll be a feast so overwhelming that I'll give the whole world a case of indigestion they'll never forget!”  

“Not if we have anything to say about it!”  Lavana groaned and turned her head, her eyes opening fully as a wave of water crashed into her face, followed by a flurry of marble chunks that peppered the hardened igneous shell of Lavana's face.  As she yowled in pain Mario began to run ahead, with Bu Fei jumping ahead of him, bending onto his knees.

“Come on Mario!  We must make this count!”  Mario hopped onto Bu Fei's back and Bu Fei leaped into the air, soaring high with the plumber holding tight onto his back.  Lavana shook her face, lazily clearing the debris off her eyes.

“You fools!  You dare hurt me?”  She yelled, knocking some chunks of marble off her eyes.  Her blurry vision began to clear, and the first thing she saw was a pair of brown shoes quickly closing in on her eyes.  A second later Mario  slammed into her face with meteoric force, shattering the hardened rocky lava on her face and sending the monster reeling.

“He did it!”  Peach yelled as Lavana was knocked onto her sprawling back.  She lay there a moment, unmoving, as the other girls joined Peach in celebrating.

“I knew Mario'd pull through!”  Bow said, smiling as she pulled out her fan and began to cool herself off.  “Still, all that fire is causing me to swarm up a sweat!”

“I'm still shaking from nervousness!”  Vivian said, her whole body quaking and quivering with growing intensity until her belly was jumping all over the place from intense vibrations.

“Me too!”  Flurrie said, her voice wavering.  “The girls can hardly handle all of the shaking!”  She said, grabbing handfuls of her fat breasts to make them stop shaking.

“I don't think it's us that's shaking,”  Stuttered Nastasia.  “It seems like, um, it's the ground that's shaking!”  On the ground in front of them Cyrus Bitter was smirking and laughing with a sense of smug satisfaction, even as his body rocked back and forth on the quaking earth.

“Cyrus,”  Gordon said nervously as he watched foundations crumble and trees fall down from the violent rocking.  “What's going on?”  Cyrus began to laugh maniacally, watching all of the destruction unfold around him.

“Don't you know that every boss has its second phase?”